Chapter Eighty - Punched in the Dick!
Chapter Eighty - Punched in the Dick!
"Join NICE today and get the following benefits on day one:
- 500,000Cr sign-on bonus
- 600,000Cr Student loan repayment
- Heavily discounted privacy and identity protection Augs and cyberware
Become part of the force bringing peace and security to your neighborhoods!"
-NICE recruitment post, 2037
***
I stared blankly at the third first to start. It wasn't even eleven yet. The people here were the early ones. And yet, despite that, this was the third group to start shit.
"Oh my god, they're all morons," I muttered.I'd been kind of hoping that Kevin and Kneeboy in the basement were the most egregious case of stupid I'd have to deal with today, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that I was very wrong.
As it turned out, people in gangs, even when in limited numbers, tended to be the kind of people that came with grudges and fewer fucks to give than the average civilian.
What was the term for it again... right, civic sense. This specific brand of stupid had a higher likelihood of lacking in civic sense. I saw a few spitting on the carpet, and some of the gangs already in line looked like they stank.
It wasn't all of them. Maybe one crew in five looked a bit iffy, and one in ten looked like I wouldn't want to have them in the same district as me, but the other eight-tenths were... maybe not fine, but at least passable.
Guys and gals in leather and with cool neon tags, or matching cyberware, or even matching tats was fine. A few of the gangs here had a more corpo look. Suits and ties and loafers or whatever, and some looked like they had proper blue collar day jobs and that was their uniform.
I supposed that since unions counted as gangs for all intents and purposes, at least in New Montreal, that a few of them would be represented here.
I shook my head and pushed through the line, just in time to arrive as one woman swung her fist around and bashed a man in the crotch.
He went down with a choked-off squeal and his buddies squared up for a fight.
"Alright," I said, hand straying onto the grip of my Trenchmaker. "First one of you who moves now is leaving this place in a bodybag."
I didn't even have to shout. The punch-happy lady looked at me, eyed me up and down like I was a piece of meat on a hangar, then seemed to decide that this wasn't a fight she'd win.
"He started it," she said.
"And then you punched him in the balls?" I asked. "Look, I don't care. You're not here to argue, or to see who can smack who around. I'm the final arbiter of smack-arounds here, and I'm telling you to calm your tits."
She crossed her arms. "The Nut Punchers don't take kindly to insults."
I stared at her, something tickling the back of my head. "Wait... the Nut Punchers?" I asked.
"Yes," she said. Her eyes narrowed. "Why? Heard of us?"
"No, but maybe," I replied. "Come on, follow me."
"What about our place in line?"
"You lost it when you punched that guy in the dick," I said.
My new buddy and her friends didn't seem happy about that, but what were they gonna do? Punch me in my non-existent nuts? I pulled them to the side, then gestured for them to stand in one place so that I could look them over.
There were five of them. Three men, two women, all of varying heights, all looking like New Montreal natives, more or less. "Okay. So, first of all, who are you lot?" I asked.
"I'm Zoe," the woman I pegged as the leader of this bunch said. She crossed her arms and looked down her nose at me. "This is Pete, Brian, Rachel and Joshua. We're the Nut Punchers." A few of them waved. They were all in similar-ish getups. Layered clothes, sleeveless vests and undershirts with long trench-coats atop it. A few were wearing shades even though we were indoors.
"And you punch nuts," I continued.
"It's pretty self-explanatory."
"That feels like it's not quite enough to build a gang off of," I said. "But hey, you do you?"
"We do more than just that," Zoe said. "Sometimes we do cosplay."
"I... huh? No, actually, don't explain," I said, raising a hand to forestall any explanation. "Do you happen to know a pair of morons called Kevin and Kneebreaker?"
Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.
It was just a hunch, or a vaguely recalled memory, but hadn't Myalis mentioned something to do with Nut Punchers in relation to those two?
Zoe frowned, then turned to one of the others behind her for a quick conference. She came back with a nod. "Yeah, we know them. They were part of the Ball Busters."
"Of course they were," I said. "And the Ball Busters weren't a friendly gang, I take it?"
"We offered them to join up, but we had fundamental differences that couldn't be reconciled."
"With regards to striking testes?" I asked.
"No, that's another gang."
What the fuck was in the water in New Montreal?
"Myalis, can you please tell me what's going on here?" I asked.
I suppose I can take pity on you, if you ask nicely.
"Oh, come on, you bitch," I said. Then I waved dismissively to Zoe and her friends. "Not you, the voice in my head."
Oh, fine. From what I can tell the Nut Punchers are actually innocent with regards to the actions of the former Ball Busters. Whether or not they are innocent of other things is up to debate.
I nodded along, then turned to Zoe and company. "Okay, fine. You're clear to go. But no punching nuts, not while you're here."
"That's kind of our entire thing," she said.
"You can live without doing it for an afternoon, can't you?"
They looked a little upset at that, but it was less... angry gangster upset, and more the kind of upset I was used to seeing in the kittens when I told them that they couldn't have candy for lunch (because I was gonna have candy for lunch).
I sent them back to the rear of the line, which had fortunately not yet grown insanely long. Still, it was growing, and it was going to be more and more of a pain in the ass to watch over it.
Which is when I noticed someone, or rather someones, moving into the front lobby where we were funnelling in the gangsters to pick up their badges and drop off weapons. I blinked to make sure I was seeing things correctly.
Princess was there. Behind her, with her arms awkwardly folded back, was her sister, Knight, and about three metres behind Knight, were two of Lucy's Kittens.
Knight and the Kittens were holding onto a chair.
I walked over, and when Princess saw me, her entire face lit up. "Cat! Stray Cat, I mean, hi!"
"Hey," I said. Yeah, I had asked her to come around here and watch over things, right? I vaguely recalled that. It had been a couple of days ago.
"I'm here to work!" Princess said.
"I see. What's with the chair?"
"It's a throne!" she replied, all excited. "Where should I put it?"
I wasn't sure what to say, so I kind of gestured off to one side. She skipped over, and Knight followed. I barely caught the woman's sigh as she passed.
Princess found a spot more or less in the centre-back of the lobby, so that people coming would have to go to her right or left, and then she muttered something. A few seconds later, there was a loud thump as a dais appeared on the ground. It was a slab of marbled stone, maybe two metres wide by one and a half deep, with a solid forty centimetres of height.
"On here!" she said to her sister.
Knight and the Kittens climbed up onto the dais and settled the chair down.
The... no, that was a throne, not a chair. The throne had a plush, cushioned seat and back, with gold armrests and that sort of tufted back. The backrest was three metres tall and crowned at the top by an actual crown. There were jewels encrusted into the golden frame larger than my thumbjoint, and at a glance, I was pretty sure they weren't just glass beads.
"I was gonna go for something pink and glittery, but this looks way more mature," Princess said. She was proud of herself.
Then she hopped over to the throne, arranged her skirts, and flumped onto it.
She looked ridiculous, like a little girl playing princess. Which I supposed fit the entire image pretty well, actually.
"It's very cool," I said.
It was very kitsch.
"Thank you!" Princess said. "Oh, right." She reached in between the cushions and pulled out a tablet that had been wedged in there. "I have this to keep track of people. And Knight to give them the bonk if they misbehave."
I looked to Knight.
She touched the pommel of the sword at her hip. "Bonk," she said.
Right... maybe this would work out.
***