If you had to shape darkness, how would you describe it? What would it feel like? What would you compare it to? What texture? What smell, what temperature, what flavor?
Would you say it's the color of a crow's wings?
Or perhaps the sky when there's no moon?
Or maybe the shadows cast by trees on a winter night, stark and cold against the white snow?
Those things are beautiful, aren't they? So how do you paint a darkness that isn't? A darkness that's not beautiful. Because, clearly, Su Ah wasn't thinking about beauty, or aesthetic at the moment. She was thinking of that one feeling you can't explain, can't describe, because you can't put a finger on it, can't see the source of that gnawing inside.
It was weird.
A little exciting.
Frustrating, too.
She didn't know if it had always been there, or if it had grown recently.
All Su Ah knew was that the darkness had a name, a name that didn't fit the shape it took in her mind.
She couldn't explain why she felt so angry and so frustrated, only that it was there. It was like an itch that was impossible to reach. It was there in every word, in every movement. It was there when she woke up, it was there when she ate, and when she went to bed.
A soft sigh left her lips as she leaned enough so that her head rested on the window.
Her eyes were not fixed on her faint reflection in the glass, but down, at the young man outside, in their backyard. He was training, like every morning, a sight so familiar that it almost felt normal, almost. She had never really bothered to stop and watch.
Jae-il was her brother, after all, why should she?
But lately, things have been different. Lately, she was noticing things she hadn't before, little things, things that, on their own, were nothing.
But together, they were something.
He was beautiful.
Not just beautiful, though.
He was mesmerizing. The way he moved, his face, the way he breathed.
He looked like the kind of boy who would be on the front page of Vogue.
Su Ah twirled a strand of dark hair around her finger as she continued watching him. She felt that itch, again, the one she could never scratch.
Then she caught sight of something else—well, someone else.
Her Unnie was there too, not too close, neither too far, just there, in the corner, sunbathing. Mia was lying on her back on a lounge chair, a swimsuit on, sunglasses on her nose, her hair a loose curtain around her. Su Ah could tell that her sister had a book with her, but she wasn't reading. She hadn't turned a page in at least half an hour.
Su Ah stood up abruptly and made her way down the stairs. As she walked out, she almost recoiled by how warm it was, warmer than it had been all summer.
The heat was stifling.
Su Ah walked towards her older sister, noticing that, indeed, the book on her chest had been left there, untouched. It was a novel, she recognized the author. And then she saw her sister's gaze, hidden behind sunglasses, focused on something in front of her.
The younger girl's eyes followed that trail, and her chest tightened as she found herself staring at her brother's bareback, muscles flexing as he moved in the sun. Su Ah cleared her throat slightly. "Is it a good book, Unnie?"
Was the sarcasm too thick? Her sister never reads. So what was the occasion?
Mia jerked up, as if snapped out of her thoughts, and she looked up at her younger sister. She didn't blush, didn't look embarrassed or caught, merely a bit startled. She smiled lazily, her lips stretching into a smirk that Su Ah knew well. "It is." Mia replied simply, as she settled back in the chair. "What are you doing out here?"
"......"
For a moment, Su Ah was out of words. She hadn't come down prepared to answer that question. There was no... real, good, or even valid answer, because the truth would sound ridiculous. "Oh, nothing. I was bored."
"Oh." Mia's smirk grew. "How nice of you to join me."
"It's hot out here. And sunny." Su Ah replied, looking around. It really was. And bright, too. "What are you even doing out here? You hate sunbathing."
She knew of her Unnie's obsession of being flawlessly pale and smooth. Just recently, she had gone on a skincare shopping spree, of course, at their father's expenses.
"I'm just relaxing. Getting some Vitamin D. Is there something wrong with that?" Mia's tone was playful.
No, nothing wrong with that. At least, on a surface level. Su Ah wanted to ask if her gaze ever strayed from her book, but she refrained. She didn't want to be nosy or seem like she was spying.
And, frankly, the thought that her Unnie was looking at their brother in such a... sensual way was just... wrong.
She didn't want to have to face it.
"No." Su Ah shrugged.
"Well then." Mia settled back down, closing her eyes behind the sunglasses. She seemed to have lost all interest in talking. She just wanted to bask in the sun.
This time, she closed the book, making no effort to pretend to read.
Su Ah stood there for a while, glancing at Jae-il, blissfully unaware as he performed calisthenics exercises, his headphones loud enough that she could hear a faint, thudding, repetitive beat coming out.
She wrenched her eyes away and made her way back inside. The AC's cool air was a welcome reprieve from the heat of the sun. What now? It wasn't a lie when she said that she was bored, and as mentally stimulating as watching Jae-il had been, Su Ah was not going to spend her time out in the sun when the inside was much cooler and far more comfortable.
After she got over her writer's block, another mental block had come up. It wasn't due to a lack of creativity, she was simply... uninspired. Unmotivated. In cases like this, Su Ah would usually pick up a book to get her mind flowing. However, for the first time ever, reading was no fun.
There were no more mysteries in her favorite novels, no more characters that she didn't understand. She didn't enjoy reading as much anymore because it felt too predictable.
She'd read too many books, too many times.
As she scanned her own library for inspiration, she tilted her head, when a title at the far end, dusty from lack of use, caught her eyes. From the moment she drew it out, it took her a good minute before she remembered why it was even there. "Wasn't this...?"
A particular disturbing book that she had put off because of... incest?
"......"
Su Ah glanced at the window, then back at the book.
Back then, she had frowned in disgust and nearly threw it away.
Now, though...
She was curious to see how it ended. It was a bit dark, a bit tragic, and...
"......"
It was a bad idea.
But then, she didn't have anything to lose. Besides, what harm could a mere book do to her?
She was bored anyway.
xXx
Jae-il's POV:
I walked past Mia, whose pale skin was being tortured under the sun's glare. I also had to ignore how painfully good she looked in that bikini. She looked up at me from behind her glasses and waved her fingers in greeting.
"Are you done?" She asked, stretching and squirming. Her sunglasses slid to the tip of her nose, her butter-yellow hair falling over one shoulder in a mess. She had a habit of running her hand along the length of it.
"Yeah." I muttered. "I need a shower."
"I bet." Mia grinned at me. She sat up on the lounge, pushing the sunglasses to her forehead. "After you do, wanna hang out or something? I'm so bored today. We could go to the arcade, or maybe a café or a movie or... wherever."
"I'll be busy studying, Noona."
She pursed her lips, a little put-off, before her gaze turned sly. "You can do that any time, Jae-il."
"I know. That's why I'm doing it now."
"......"
She heaved a deep, tragic sigh. "You know, I kind of feel like annoying you for the whole afternoon. What are your thoughts on that?"
I snorted. "Do as you wish, but I'll probably throw a shoe at you if you keep it up for more than 20 minutes." I replied, as I opened the sliding glass doors leading inside. Mia stood up, trailing behind.
"You'll never get a girlfriend with an attitude like that."
"My attitude will hardly be an issue when they're too busy shoving a Sharpie at me and pointing to their cleavage." I mumbled—it had happened way too many times before.
"Huh?!"
I turned. "What?"
"What was that last thing?"
"Nothing. I didn't say anything. What, are you hearing things?" I replied, nonchalantly.
She raised a hand, ready to slap my arm. I dodged.
"Hey! Don't run away!"
"Then don't try to slap me!"
"I'm just trying to make a point here!"
"You've got a very violent way of doing it, Noona."
"Shut it!" She chased after me all the way to the bathroom door.
I sighed, opening it. "I need a shower... you can wait until then, can't you?" I asked, a little worried she might follow me inside. No way, right?
Mia halted. She seemed to think about it, then smiled at me, her teeth baring in a threatening manner. "I'll wait for you, then." She gave me a coy, little smile. "If you're quick enough, I might even give you a Noona special body massage, since you just finished exercising..."
I blinked at her as she wiggled her eyebrows up and down, looking smug as all fuck.
And, slowly, without breaking eye contact, I closed the door.