Chapter 182: IT’S NOT LIKE THAT
TAEYANG watched as confusion spread across Haneul’s face. He couldn’t blame him. The fact that Haneul had to tell him to choose between ignoring him or not showed how much his own behavior must have confused the other. If he were in Haneul’s position, he would feel the same way. To make someone as generally good-tempered as Haneul react this strongly, he must have really pushed him too far with the way he acted.
But what could he possibly say or do to make things right? Like he just said, the real problem wasn’t that he disliked Haneul. It was the complete opposite.
He had long accepted that he was attracted to Haneul. At first, he thought it might just be because of pheromones. Ever since he became an Alpha in this world, Haneul was the only person whose pheromones he could actually smell. As someone who had studied secondary genders thoroughly to prepare for any surprises, he understood exactly what it meant that he could detect Haneul’s scent despite having Pheromone Blindness.
It meant that their pheromone match rate was high. Actually, not just high, it was probably in the ninetieth percentile. According to their biological makeup, it made perfect sense that they would feel drawn to each other.
If it were just biology, Taeyang wouldn’t feel so conflicted. He could control his physical reactions well enough. The real problem was that he didn’t just respond to Haneul’s pheromones. He genuinely liked the person underneath. He admired Haneul’s quiet determination, the way he stayed kind even under pressure, and his angelic voice that made Taeyang feel like he’s ascending whenever he sang. Taeyang found himself drawn to everything about him. That was why it was so damn hard to stay away.
His mind told him to keep his distance, but his heart refused to cooperate. The result was this confusing back-and-forth behavior he kept showing Haneul, which had probably pushed the other to his limit. So much so that Haneul was now asking Taeyang to just leave him alone completely.
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?"
Haneul’s question pulled Taeyang back to the present moment, to what he had just said. Since Haneul had been completely honest with him, maybe he owed the other the same honesty in return. Though he should probably prepare himself for the very real possibility that Haneul might want nothing to do with him after hearing what he had to say.
"It means... I like you."
Haneul blinked, unsure if he had heard correctly. Did Taeyang really just say that? A lightheaded feeling washed over him, making the world seem slightly unsteady. He couldn’t process the words. Nothing in their previous interactions supported this confession. The mixed signals, the avoidance, the hot-and-cold behavior, none of it matched what he had just heard. The disconnect was so jarring that he found it difficult to believe what Taeyang was saying.
He narrowed his eyes at Taeyang, convinced the other was just making excuses now. "You have a really strange way of showing it."
Taeyang nearly flinched at the sarcasm in Haneul’s voice. He couldn’t really blame the other for thinking that way. After all, he had never given any sign that he felt differently. That was on him, since it meant he had mostly succeeded in keeping his distance. Well, not entirely succeeded, since he had slipped up several times. Especially during the vocal mission.
He probably shouldn’t have chosen Haneul first when picking his teammates for that mission. But the moment the microphone was in his hand, Haneul’s name came out of his mouth before his brain could stop it. He tried to tell himself it was because Haneul was the best vocalist among all the contestants, but deep down he knew that wasn’t the real reason.
Seeing Taeyang remain silent, Haneul’s annoyance came flooding back. "If you have nothing else to say, then I’m leaving. Just... please stay away from me."
Taeyang felt as if he had been physically struck when Haneul told him to stay away. As he watched the other prepare to dive back into the water, he instinctively reached out and caught Haneul’s hand to stop him.
Haneul turned to face him. His amber eyes burned with anger, looking almost golden in the sunlight. Taeyang knew that if he didn’t say the right thing now, it might take a very long time to repair what was left of their relationship.
"I’m sorry," he said quickly. "I’m sorry for confusing you with how I’ve been acting, and how I’m still acting now. Please believe me when I say none of it came from a bad place. I just... I didn’t want to make it real. These feelings I have for you."
The moment the words left his mouth, and he saw Haneul’s expression, he knew he had said the wrong thing. Those amber eyes, now glowing golden, seemed to burn even brighter with intensity.
"So what you’re saying is you like me but wish you didn’t. Is that it?"
"No--!"
Haneul snatched his hand back with sharp force. Anger rushed through him, followed immediately by a deep hurt. Hearing that someone, no, not just anyone but Taeyang, liked him yet wished he didn’t felt like a personal rejection. It stung more than outright dislike would have, making him feel both insulted and devalued. It felt like Taeyang was saying he wasn’t good enough for whatever feelings he had stirred in him. As if there was something fundamentally wrong with Haneul, or that Taeyang found him utterly lacking.
"Listen here," Haneul cut him off sharply before Taeyang could speak further. "If your feelings for me feel like some kind of burden or mistake, then you should have kept them to yourself. I don’t need your confused emotions making my life more complicated."
He planned to dive into the water right then, wanting at least to make a dignified escape. But once again, Taeyang caught his hand. This time, both of them were standing face to face.
By now, his irritation and anger had reached their peak. He was about to snap at Taeyang with everything he had, but the other managed to speak first.
"Whatever you’re thinking right now, that’s not it. It’s not like that at all."